Post by charlieglasgow on May 23, 2010 19:10:42 GMT -5
There’s so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words – switchfoot
After the bus went by, and she remembered exactly where she was, Effie ran. It all flooded back in her brain too fast to control. Tony talking on his phone, in the middle of the road. Dark, silent, then that bus, and him in her arms. She shouldn’t have picked him up like that, in fact she could have been the one who injured him but he was bleeding, her big brother was bleeding, and she needed to hold him. She wasn’t even thinking about it she just gathered him up. Oh, his face. Effie screamed. She wanted his face gone- she couldn’t handle that much. Not the roadburn, the blood dripping from his mouth, the lack of movement.
‘COME ON COME ON COME ON! I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED!’ Fred and Cook heard, and upon their arrival she was standing in the middle of the road where he got hit. “EFFIE!” In response, Effie glanced at them, her makeup completely gone. Neither of them had ever seen that. Cars honked, swerved, flashed their brights and screamed at her to get out of the road. Fred cursed. ‘Come ON, EFFIE!’ Cook quickly got out his cell-phone, calling Sid. ‘Come get us, please. We’re like ten minutes away. Outside of the pub. Yes…the pub. Come on, Sid. We don’t know how else we’re going to get her home. Thank you.’ It gave them a little bit of comfort that Sid would be there. Then the traffic lulled, nearly to a stop. The noise, the people, everything was gone. Effie screamed again, choking on tears. ‘I’m not SCARED!’ Fred lunged forward to grab her, but Cook held him back, staring at her. ‘What the f**k?’ In response he put his finger to his lips. Then she stepped to the side and they just let her stand there until the headlights shone, when Fred lunged at her and grabbed her, tumbling to the safe ground with her. ‘Effie Effie Effie Effie…’ he kept repeating, holding back the screams, the yells, the desire to shake her and ask her what she could’ve possibly been thinking.
She had her hand covering her face and he kissed it again and again until she would relax and then he kissed her forehead, pulled her up to a sitting position and cradled him. Sid’s car slowed to a stop and both Sid and Cassie got out. They all picked up Effie, helped her in, and Cassie held her head and stroked her hair, letting her fall asleep, while Fred held the rest of her so tight that she might disappear if he let go. Sid didn’t ask, he just dialed Tony’s phone number and put it on speaker. “Sid?”
“Hey, Tony. Listen-”
“Since when are you back in Bristol? How the f**k are you?”
“Tony – it’s Effie.”
“What?”
“Effie. Can we bring her to your place?”
“Yes, I’m not there. But the key is under the doormat.”
Hanging up, Fred piped up, ‘It’s not long now, Effie. Not long now.” No one reminded him that she was sleeping. She woke up in time for them to walk her in and she looked around the apartment briefly before crying. “Here?” She asked Fred, as if she couldn’t get any of the other words out. Fred nodded. “Yeah, here.”
“Come on, Eff.” Cassie slid her arm around her and took her to the bathroom to clean her up, coming out briefly to ask for a change of clothes, which Sid hurriedly picked out. Once on the couch and clean, she nestled up again into Fred, whose eyes darted around. Tony walked in the door, which is when Fred got up. Effie didn’t even look at Tony who knelt before her and took her hand, kissing it as if she were a princess and he a peasant. Fred just shook his head and turned around, hurried out of the apartment. Cassie urged Sid, and he did follow him out. Tony, however, didn’t blink, and rested his hand on the side of Effie’s face, tilted her head toward him with his thumb. “Eff, it’s me. It’s me. I called Mom – you’re staying here tonight.” Effie just looked away and he got up and kissed her forehead, covered her with a blanket and let her be for the night.
She wouldn’t admit it, but Tony being here made everything go away. She hated him sometimes. All the time. But him just sitting here and not saying anything, just being there, made everything kind of slip away. “Why were you in the road, Eff?” He broke the silence.
She didn’t answer for a while, so he just turned toward her, pointed his legs toward her, removed a lock of hair from the side of her face, tucked it behind her ear. “You wouldn’t go away…” He furrowed his brow a bit. “You were there. I was on the street where it happened and you were there and it was bloody and your face wouldn’t go away.” And there it was again.
She hated him for making her talk about it. “Oh, Effie.” He reached out for her hand but she just got up and walked into his kitchen. Not asking, she got out the eggs and the frying pan. Neither of them talked while she fried some eggs. “Are you mad at me, Effie?”
He didn’t sound angry. He just…knew. She put the eggs on a plate on his shoddy excuse for a kitchen table and then, unexpectedly, threw the pan into the sink. “God d**n you Tony.” He got up and walked into the kitchen, standing protectively in front of the sink. “So, that’s a yes.” She shook her head, then pummelled him.
Slapping, pulling his hair, punching. “Effie! Effie!” His job training at the mental hospital finally paid off for him – he turned her around swiftly, controlling her wrists, and held her close to his body. “Effie. Effie. It’s me.”
When she collapsed he held her upright, kissed her cheek as she started crying. She grabbed onto the kitchen counter for some stability and he let her stand on her feet. “The road, Tony? Seriously? The middle of the road?” He sighed, crossed his arms and leaned against the refridgerator. “What the hell, Tony?”
“You can’t fix me, Effie.”
“It worked. Admit it. It did. Mom didn’t know how but I DID and I could-”
“Fix me? Effie-” She turned around angrily and he grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away.
“You didn’t fix me.”
She swung around at him, glared at him.
“You loved me, and you kept me from giving up, Effie. And you made sure I started recovering again. But you couldn’t have fixed me. You couldn’t have stopped that bus, either.”
“I know. I’m not stupid.”
He crossed his arms and gave her a look. Well then, why are you here? Why are you angry?
“I held you.”
“Hmm?” He started washing the pan in the sink.
“When you got hit – when I got over to you. I held you. I think I…”
“Eff-”
“I think I did the damage because you’re not supposed to hold people when they”
He dropped the pan and came over to her, wrapped her in his arms immediately.
“I wasn’t supposed to move you!”
“You aren’t the one who hurt me, Effie. A bus hit me.”
“I know but I held you-”
“I know. Effie. Do you really think you’re the one who injured me?”
She looked down, a bit to the side.
He kissed her forehead.
“It’s over now, kid. I’m okay now. You”
he pushed her away from him and leaned down slightly to make sure they had eye contact-
“can stop beating yourself up. I’m okay now. And you didn’t hurt me.”
She shrugged, hugged him again.
“Now that that’s over with…” He sat down at the table, digging into her eggs, generously, since she burnt them.
Sid texted Cassie that he wouldn’t be home. He walked with Fred for a while, in step behind him. He could hear him crying, but he didn’t want to embarrass or push him. Neither did he want to leave him alone, because it seemed everyone was on the edge that night. He’d come home from work that day to find Cassie on the linoleum in their kitchen, arranging all the canned food. She didn’t even notice him, she was so transfixed.
What’s worse, he hadn’t noticed. They’d had sex every night for the past week and he hadn’t noticed the lost weight. He’d been going out to dinner with everyone from work, assuming she was eating at home. Her eating disorder hadn’t even been a big deal for them since they left Bristol the first time. Now he wondered how long she’d been hiding it. He wondered how he didn’t notice it during sex.
Was he another one of those drones who just stared at the wall while f**king their wives? Wife. Yes. They eloped. He didn’t want a wedding, she didn’t really care either way. She wore a white dress, he wore a suit, in a room full of flowers they said their vows and kissed for the first time, finally together.
Now he wondered if he was neglecting her. Fred made it to the river on the court and sat down on the bench. Sid sat beside him, didn’t say anything. But Fred kept crying, which was a bit awkward, because Sid didn’t know whether to hug him. Fred never cried. Emotion for him simply wasn’t something that happened.
He put his head in his arms, though, and stopped being quiet about it, even though he was fully aware that Sid was there. The sun came up beautifully, and Sid just put his hand on Fred’s shoulder. Left it there. He was both shivering and shaking. At least ten minutes went by like that before Fred looked up and chuckled at Sid. “You want to get breakfast?” He nodded, and they walked, this time side by side, to the nearest diner.
“So, what are you going to do?” Sid broached, only after eating a full pancake in silence while Fred picked at his waffle. “Are you going to pick her up this morning from Tony’s?” Fred shook his head. “Well, that’s good. I mean, she hasn’t spent time with her brother in a while…” Fred downed the entire glass of chocolate milk in front of him in about five seconds. “Is he going to section her? I mean I know she’s been before but that could be considered a suicide attempt.”
Fred shrugged. “Who knows.”
“What do you mean, who knows? Do you want her to be sectioned?”
He shrugged.
“I don’t…I mean, good for her, if she is, you know? But I’ve done this gig before. Twice, with her. I tried to keep her awake, Sid. I really did. And I do love her but I…” He sighed, put down his fork with a loud clank.
Sid nodded. It felt like they were holding a meeting of the Dysfunctional Girlfriends Club.
“I’m not a horrible person, Sid. I sound like one.” Sid nodded emphatically.
“I know. So…then. What are you going to do?”
Fred wiped his eyes of the tears that developed and leaned back against the cushioned pleather of the booth. “My Dad’s going on a road trip this afternoon. He invited me last week but I didn’t want to go. I think I’m going this time.”
Sid half smiled, nodded. He didn’t think Fred was a horrible person for running. He doubted Effie would ever get over it, but when he found Cassie on the kitchen floor the night before, he understood the exact same feeling. Granted, Cassie had a ring on her finger, and he couldn’t leave her. But sometimes, if someone offered him a plane ticket, he would take it.
Cassie was organizing the closet when he came home, though he checked the kitchen at first and everything was alphabetically organized. The fridge, too. All of his junk food was thrown away. “Casssiiieeeee…” He dropped his keys on the table and walked down the hallway to their room, where she was dancing to the music, turned up loud enough for their landlord to surely call later. And the closet looked perfect. Their shoes were both perfectly organized.
His hats were all neat and in a nice little design. He leaned against the wall for a minute before she noticed him, a gleeful smile on her face that disappeared the moment she looked at him. She quickly turned the music off. “Oh. Hi Sid.”
“Cassie, why’d you throw the cheetos away?”
“Because. You shouldn’t have cheetos here.”
“We went over this, Cassie. You don’t have to eat them.”
“I know,” she said in a shrill little voice, “but I have…” she lost her breath, and had to gasp for air, which had him instinctively coming closer to her, “to kiss you, and f**k you. And all those other nice things.”
“No you…don’t, if you don’t want to.”
“I have to do those things, and I have to do them,” she turned around and looked at him. Her face was white. Scary white. Her lipstick looked especially dark against the white of her skin. “I have to do them knowing what is in your stomach.”
“Cassie, please.” He walked closer, grabbed her hand. Cold. “Cassie, you haven’t eaten.”
“It’s…I…”
“You look like you’re about to faint, Cassie. Please!”
She pulled away from him, turned the music up again, and started in on the t-shirts. They never seperated them. Of course, he never made the mistake of wearing hers. But it just felt better when their clothes were all mixed up together.
“CASSIE!” He yelled over the music.
f**k, f**k f**k. She didn’t say anything. He punched the wall. “f**kING EAT!” He stormed out of the room and slammed the door to the bathroom behind him, turning on the shower water as hot as he could get it, stripping off his clothes. He couldn’t make her eat. That was the worst thing.
He just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t faint and he couldn’t because then she wouldnt’ sleep near him and wouldn’t let him rub her back. And she just wouldn’t eat. He sat down under the stream of water that made his skin itch. He couldn’t make her f**king eat. While he thought himself stronger than Fred for sticking with Cassie, he understood the frustration. Fred couldn’t keep Effie alive, he couldn’t keep her from seeing the face of her brother lying on the ground bleeding.
He couldn’t keep her from sinking. And Sid couldn’t force food down Cassie’s throat. He wanted to. God, he wanted to. He wanted to shake her and ask her if she knew just how much he loved her, but it didn’t matter. She still wouldn’t eat.
He turned off the shower to hear the door creak open. Cassie, in her lingerie. It fit a little loose now. When she bent over he could see under the bra cup the pale flesh of her breasts, her nipples which have always lured him toward her, until now. Now he just wanted to sit there and avoid them. She had a plate of chocolate. Probably from her secret box in the closet that he pretended didn’t exist, because he didn’t want to have yet another fight.
He sat with the water dripping off of him and she took off the bra with little effort. Jesus, she was losing weight. He cringed. He knew how much damage that would do. No, she wasn’t sexy anymore. No, he didn’t want to walk over and seduce her anymore.
He wanted to hold her. That was it. She was glaring when he looked back up, but she was also unwrapping the chocolate bar. And she started to eat it. Piece by piece. All while looking in his eyes.
With love. Revenge. Anger. Spite. Lust. Want.
He begged silently for her to stop this. But she continued, until the whole plate of chocolate bars was gone. And then she sat there. Determined, it seemed, to let her stomach absorb it. Tears ran down her face and he wanted to hold her so much. He got out of the tub, knelt down, slipping a little bit because of how wet he was. He crawled over to her, slipped his arm around her, pulled her toward him.
And for a while they lay like that, until he noticed her trembling. And he didn’t hold her back when she moved away toward the toilet. He held her hair as she puked, but tears ran down his face as well. He rubbed her back and she cleaned her face off but then fell right back into his arms, crying this time. He just cradled her, kissed her forehead. Oh, how he wanted to get up, walk out, leave. But he just pulled her tighter toward him, and let his tears drop onto her skin. That was all he could do without being the worst husband in the world.
Cassie wanted to prove something to Sid. That she was still sexy, still his wife, that he shouldn’t leave her. So she kissed his cheek, ran her finger down his goosebumped arm, and lay down before him as if she were an offering. For a few minutes, he just looked down at her, running his eyes up and down her body. Hesitating. She then removed what little clothing she had on.
He got ontop of her, and just looked down at her again. It felt as if he was laying ontop of nothing, and it felt as if he would break her if he weren’t careful. He looked up, pushing into her, and felt like maybe he wanted to break her. At least, break that part of her that was trying to self-destruct, pulling her so quickly away from God and himself. He wanted his wife back, so he did.
As he pushed harder, he stared up at the tiled wall and thought about breaking her. About how, with every thrust of his hips, that part of her broke some more. She put her hands on his face and tried to kiss him, tried to pull him down, but he’d just look back up, and push harder. He ignored her gasps, her crying, and he started crying too, frustrated. He would’ve pushed harder if he had more time, but it was over quickly, and he pushed himself off of her and lay beside her.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and listened to her crying. He felt bad, but he didn’t know how else to let her know how worried he was. He didn’t know what to say, or who to tell that something was going on. He didn’t know how to comfort her. He got up, put his pants on, and went outside into the kitchen to see what he could wrangle up for dinner. She just lay where she was.
Effie enjoyed the afternoon with Tony – they sat around and talked, caught up. She didn’t know why they had fallen apart- he had fallen apart from everyone after the accident. It was a struggle for him to be who he was without his physique, without the ability to do everything he once did. But after their second movie that they kinda, sorta watched, he turned off the screen and looked toward her. ‘Effie, is the road thing going to happen again?” She didn’t know what to say.
“Tony, I wasn’t trying to kill myself I promise.” He looked at her for a minute, challenging her to tell him something else. “It wasn’t!” Tony looked at her that way again.
“You weren’t trying to get hit? Like I did?” She looked down. “I called Mom when Sid called me last night. She wants you sectioned. She thinks it’s coming back.” She stared at him incredously for a minute, shaking her head. “Effie?”
“That’s not even…what? NO!”
“If the flashbacks are making you do that, Effie, yes, we have to. And…” he reached for her hand, but she stood up, and he just reached for her wrist and pulled up her sleeve, revealing the marks. She glared at him.
“Who told you?”
“No one. I saw them when you were sleeping last night.”
She jerked her hand away and walked toward his front door which, last night, he had already locked.
“Please, Eff? I’ll come visit you every day if that’ll make you go.”
“I don’t want to go back there!”
“Effie…”
“I’m not GOING! That’s final! Where’s Fred? He was supposed to pick me up by now.”
Tony didn’t really know what to say. Sid had texted him, saying that Fred was headed out of town for a few weeks. He knew how overwhelming it probably was. “He’s…”
Effie shook her head. “No. He’s not leaving me. You’re wrong.”
Tony shrugged.
“Effie, we have to deal with this.”
They stared at each other for a good ten minutes, and she conceded. “Fine, can I at least shower first?”
He nodded, gestured toward the bathroom in the hallway.
Minutes later, they were in the car together, headed toward the hospital. Effie’s breathing was shallow, and she lit a cigarette despite the rain outside, opened the window and took a long drag.
He took one hand off the wheel and gently took hers. They parked in front of the hospital and just waited. It was a different one, at least. Not like the last one. Effie was at least comforted by that. She was comforted that Tony took her and not a crisis team. But she still wanted to stay in his car forever. At least he was letting her stay for a while.
Sid didn’t check the bathroom until before bed, when he went to brush his teeth, and noticed Cassie, curled up there, still naked. “Oh, Cass.” He felt the stab of guilt too close. “Cassie…” He leaned over her gently sleeping form, and, too effortlessly, picked her up, kissing her forehead. He tip-toed toward the bedroom, and she woke up only enough to rest her head on his shoulder and her hand on his neck. He tucked her into bed gently, rested his forehead against hers, and prayed for some sign of what to do.
“I love you so much, Cassie,” he murmured and kissed her lips, eyelids and forehead. Then he grabbed his cellphone and dialed Tony’s number. “Hey, Tony…”his voice was shaky. And, for the first time since college, asked him for help.
Tony was stressed, and half wanted to tell Sid to bugger off, deal with it himself, that he kind of had his own family crisis to deal with. But he didn’t.
“What’s going on, Sid?” He said, and both of them felt like nothing had ever happened to tear them apart in that moment. That everything was fixed.
“It’s Cassie,” Sid managed to get out through tears. “I don’t know what to do, Tony. I can’t get her to eat and it’s breaking our marriage and I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you pray?” Sid didn’t answer for a minute, because he was sobbing. “Yes. Yes. Yes.”
Tony didn’t know what to do, either, but for once in their relationship, he had the opportunity to tip the scales, to repay him. Sid had never done anything but rescue Tony, now he needed to repay that.
“Stay there. I’ll be over in a minute.”
After the bus went by, and she remembered exactly where she was, Effie ran. It all flooded back in her brain too fast to control. Tony talking on his phone, in the middle of the road. Dark, silent, then that bus, and him in her arms. She shouldn’t have picked him up like that, in fact she could have been the one who injured him but he was bleeding, her big brother was bleeding, and she needed to hold him. She wasn’t even thinking about it she just gathered him up. Oh, his face. Effie screamed. She wanted his face gone- she couldn’t handle that much. Not the roadburn, the blood dripping from his mouth, the lack of movement.
‘COME ON COME ON COME ON! I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED I’M NOT SCARED!’ Fred and Cook heard, and upon their arrival she was standing in the middle of the road where he got hit. “EFFIE!” In response, Effie glanced at them, her makeup completely gone. Neither of them had ever seen that. Cars honked, swerved, flashed their brights and screamed at her to get out of the road. Fred cursed. ‘Come ON, EFFIE!’ Cook quickly got out his cell-phone, calling Sid. ‘Come get us, please. We’re like ten minutes away. Outside of the pub. Yes…the pub. Come on, Sid. We don’t know how else we’re going to get her home. Thank you.’ It gave them a little bit of comfort that Sid would be there. Then the traffic lulled, nearly to a stop. The noise, the people, everything was gone. Effie screamed again, choking on tears. ‘I’m not SCARED!’ Fred lunged forward to grab her, but Cook held him back, staring at her. ‘What the f**k?’ In response he put his finger to his lips. Then she stepped to the side and they just let her stand there until the headlights shone, when Fred lunged at her and grabbed her, tumbling to the safe ground with her. ‘Effie Effie Effie Effie…’ he kept repeating, holding back the screams, the yells, the desire to shake her and ask her what she could’ve possibly been thinking.
She had her hand covering her face and he kissed it again and again until she would relax and then he kissed her forehead, pulled her up to a sitting position and cradled him. Sid’s car slowed to a stop and both Sid and Cassie got out. They all picked up Effie, helped her in, and Cassie held her head and stroked her hair, letting her fall asleep, while Fred held the rest of her so tight that she might disappear if he let go. Sid didn’t ask, he just dialed Tony’s phone number and put it on speaker. “Sid?”
“Hey, Tony. Listen-”
“Since when are you back in Bristol? How the f**k are you?”
“Tony – it’s Effie.”
“What?”
“Effie. Can we bring her to your place?”
“Yes, I’m not there. But the key is under the doormat.”
Hanging up, Fred piped up, ‘It’s not long now, Effie. Not long now.” No one reminded him that she was sleeping. She woke up in time for them to walk her in and she looked around the apartment briefly before crying. “Here?” She asked Fred, as if she couldn’t get any of the other words out. Fred nodded. “Yeah, here.”
“Come on, Eff.” Cassie slid her arm around her and took her to the bathroom to clean her up, coming out briefly to ask for a change of clothes, which Sid hurriedly picked out. Once on the couch and clean, she nestled up again into Fred, whose eyes darted around. Tony walked in the door, which is when Fred got up. Effie didn’t even look at Tony who knelt before her and took her hand, kissing it as if she were a princess and he a peasant. Fred just shook his head and turned around, hurried out of the apartment. Cassie urged Sid, and he did follow him out. Tony, however, didn’t blink, and rested his hand on the side of Effie’s face, tilted her head toward him with his thumb. “Eff, it’s me. It’s me. I called Mom – you’re staying here tonight.” Effie just looked away and he got up and kissed her forehead, covered her with a blanket and let her be for the night.
She wouldn’t admit it, but Tony being here made everything go away. She hated him sometimes. All the time. But him just sitting here and not saying anything, just being there, made everything kind of slip away. “Why were you in the road, Eff?” He broke the silence.
She didn’t answer for a while, so he just turned toward her, pointed his legs toward her, removed a lock of hair from the side of her face, tucked it behind her ear. “You wouldn’t go away…” He furrowed his brow a bit. “You were there. I was on the street where it happened and you were there and it was bloody and your face wouldn’t go away.” And there it was again.
She hated him for making her talk about it. “Oh, Effie.” He reached out for her hand but she just got up and walked into his kitchen. Not asking, she got out the eggs and the frying pan. Neither of them talked while she fried some eggs. “Are you mad at me, Effie?”
He didn’t sound angry. He just…knew. She put the eggs on a plate on his shoddy excuse for a kitchen table and then, unexpectedly, threw the pan into the sink. “God d**n you Tony.” He got up and walked into the kitchen, standing protectively in front of the sink. “So, that’s a yes.” She shook her head, then pummelled him.
Slapping, pulling his hair, punching. “Effie! Effie!” His job training at the mental hospital finally paid off for him – he turned her around swiftly, controlling her wrists, and held her close to his body. “Effie. Effie. It’s me.”
When she collapsed he held her upright, kissed her cheek as she started crying. She grabbed onto the kitchen counter for some stability and he let her stand on her feet. “The road, Tony? Seriously? The middle of the road?” He sighed, crossed his arms and leaned against the refridgerator. “What the hell, Tony?”
“You can’t fix me, Effie.”
“It worked. Admit it. It did. Mom didn’t know how but I DID and I could-”
“Fix me? Effie-” She turned around angrily and he grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away.
“You didn’t fix me.”
She swung around at him, glared at him.
“You loved me, and you kept me from giving up, Effie. And you made sure I started recovering again. But you couldn’t have fixed me. You couldn’t have stopped that bus, either.”
“I know. I’m not stupid.”
He crossed his arms and gave her a look. Well then, why are you here? Why are you angry?
“I held you.”
“Hmm?” He started washing the pan in the sink.
“When you got hit – when I got over to you. I held you. I think I…”
“Eff-”
“I think I did the damage because you’re not supposed to hold people when they”
He dropped the pan and came over to her, wrapped her in his arms immediately.
“I wasn’t supposed to move you!”
“You aren’t the one who hurt me, Effie. A bus hit me.”
“I know but I held you-”
“I know. Effie. Do you really think you’re the one who injured me?”
She looked down, a bit to the side.
He kissed her forehead.
“It’s over now, kid. I’m okay now. You”
he pushed her away from him and leaned down slightly to make sure they had eye contact-
“can stop beating yourself up. I’m okay now. And you didn’t hurt me.”
She shrugged, hugged him again.
“Now that that’s over with…” He sat down at the table, digging into her eggs, generously, since she burnt them.
Sid texted Cassie that he wouldn’t be home. He walked with Fred for a while, in step behind him. He could hear him crying, but he didn’t want to embarrass or push him. Neither did he want to leave him alone, because it seemed everyone was on the edge that night. He’d come home from work that day to find Cassie on the linoleum in their kitchen, arranging all the canned food. She didn’t even notice him, she was so transfixed.
What’s worse, he hadn’t noticed. They’d had sex every night for the past week and he hadn’t noticed the lost weight. He’d been going out to dinner with everyone from work, assuming she was eating at home. Her eating disorder hadn’t even been a big deal for them since they left Bristol the first time. Now he wondered how long she’d been hiding it. He wondered how he didn’t notice it during sex.
Was he another one of those drones who just stared at the wall while f**king their wives? Wife. Yes. They eloped. He didn’t want a wedding, she didn’t really care either way. She wore a white dress, he wore a suit, in a room full of flowers they said their vows and kissed for the first time, finally together.
Now he wondered if he was neglecting her. Fred made it to the river on the court and sat down on the bench. Sid sat beside him, didn’t say anything. But Fred kept crying, which was a bit awkward, because Sid didn’t know whether to hug him. Fred never cried. Emotion for him simply wasn’t something that happened.
He put his head in his arms, though, and stopped being quiet about it, even though he was fully aware that Sid was there. The sun came up beautifully, and Sid just put his hand on Fred’s shoulder. Left it there. He was both shivering and shaking. At least ten minutes went by like that before Fred looked up and chuckled at Sid. “You want to get breakfast?” He nodded, and they walked, this time side by side, to the nearest diner.
“So, what are you going to do?” Sid broached, only after eating a full pancake in silence while Fred picked at his waffle. “Are you going to pick her up this morning from Tony’s?” Fred shook his head. “Well, that’s good. I mean, she hasn’t spent time with her brother in a while…” Fred downed the entire glass of chocolate milk in front of him in about five seconds. “Is he going to section her? I mean I know she’s been before but that could be considered a suicide attempt.”
Fred shrugged. “Who knows.”
“What do you mean, who knows? Do you want her to be sectioned?”
He shrugged.
“I don’t…I mean, good for her, if she is, you know? But I’ve done this gig before. Twice, with her. I tried to keep her awake, Sid. I really did. And I do love her but I…” He sighed, put down his fork with a loud clank.
Sid nodded. It felt like they were holding a meeting of the Dysfunctional Girlfriends Club.
“I’m not a horrible person, Sid. I sound like one.” Sid nodded emphatically.
“I know. So…then. What are you going to do?”
Fred wiped his eyes of the tears that developed and leaned back against the cushioned pleather of the booth. “My Dad’s going on a road trip this afternoon. He invited me last week but I didn’t want to go. I think I’m going this time.”
Sid half smiled, nodded. He didn’t think Fred was a horrible person for running. He doubted Effie would ever get over it, but when he found Cassie on the kitchen floor the night before, he understood the exact same feeling. Granted, Cassie had a ring on her finger, and he couldn’t leave her. But sometimes, if someone offered him a plane ticket, he would take it.
Cassie was organizing the closet when he came home, though he checked the kitchen at first and everything was alphabetically organized. The fridge, too. All of his junk food was thrown away. “Casssiiieeeee…” He dropped his keys on the table and walked down the hallway to their room, where she was dancing to the music, turned up loud enough for their landlord to surely call later. And the closet looked perfect. Their shoes were both perfectly organized.
His hats were all neat and in a nice little design. He leaned against the wall for a minute before she noticed him, a gleeful smile on her face that disappeared the moment she looked at him. She quickly turned the music off. “Oh. Hi Sid.”
“Cassie, why’d you throw the cheetos away?”
“Because. You shouldn’t have cheetos here.”
“We went over this, Cassie. You don’t have to eat them.”
“I know,” she said in a shrill little voice, “but I have…” she lost her breath, and had to gasp for air, which had him instinctively coming closer to her, “to kiss you, and f**k you. And all those other nice things.”
“No you…don’t, if you don’t want to.”
“I have to do those things, and I have to do them,” she turned around and looked at him. Her face was white. Scary white. Her lipstick looked especially dark against the white of her skin. “I have to do them knowing what is in your stomach.”
“Cassie, please.” He walked closer, grabbed her hand. Cold. “Cassie, you haven’t eaten.”
“It’s…I…”
“You look like you’re about to faint, Cassie. Please!”
She pulled away from him, turned the music up again, and started in on the t-shirts. They never seperated them. Of course, he never made the mistake of wearing hers. But it just felt better when their clothes were all mixed up together.
“CASSIE!” He yelled over the music.
f**k, f**k f**k. She didn’t say anything. He punched the wall. “f**kING EAT!” He stormed out of the room and slammed the door to the bathroom behind him, turning on the shower water as hot as he could get it, stripping off his clothes. He couldn’t make her eat. That was the worst thing.
He just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t faint and he couldn’t because then she wouldnt’ sleep near him and wouldn’t let him rub her back. And she just wouldn’t eat. He sat down under the stream of water that made his skin itch. He couldn’t make her f**king eat. While he thought himself stronger than Fred for sticking with Cassie, he understood the frustration. Fred couldn’t keep Effie alive, he couldn’t keep her from seeing the face of her brother lying on the ground bleeding.
He couldn’t keep her from sinking. And Sid couldn’t force food down Cassie’s throat. He wanted to. God, he wanted to. He wanted to shake her and ask her if she knew just how much he loved her, but it didn’t matter. She still wouldn’t eat.
He turned off the shower to hear the door creak open. Cassie, in her lingerie. It fit a little loose now. When she bent over he could see under the bra cup the pale flesh of her breasts, her nipples which have always lured him toward her, until now. Now he just wanted to sit there and avoid them. She had a plate of chocolate. Probably from her secret box in the closet that he pretended didn’t exist, because he didn’t want to have yet another fight.
He sat with the water dripping off of him and she took off the bra with little effort. Jesus, she was losing weight. He cringed. He knew how much damage that would do. No, she wasn’t sexy anymore. No, he didn’t want to walk over and seduce her anymore.
He wanted to hold her. That was it. She was glaring when he looked back up, but she was also unwrapping the chocolate bar. And she started to eat it. Piece by piece. All while looking in his eyes.
With love. Revenge. Anger. Spite. Lust. Want.
He begged silently for her to stop this. But she continued, until the whole plate of chocolate bars was gone. And then she sat there. Determined, it seemed, to let her stomach absorb it. Tears ran down her face and he wanted to hold her so much. He got out of the tub, knelt down, slipping a little bit because of how wet he was. He crawled over to her, slipped his arm around her, pulled her toward him.
And for a while they lay like that, until he noticed her trembling. And he didn’t hold her back when she moved away toward the toilet. He held her hair as she puked, but tears ran down his face as well. He rubbed her back and she cleaned her face off but then fell right back into his arms, crying this time. He just cradled her, kissed her forehead. Oh, how he wanted to get up, walk out, leave. But he just pulled her tighter toward him, and let his tears drop onto her skin. That was all he could do without being the worst husband in the world.
Cassie wanted to prove something to Sid. That she was still sexy, still his wife, that he shouldn’t leave her. So she kissed his cheek, ran her finger down his goosebumped arm, and lay down before him as if she were an offering. For a few minutes, he just looked down at her, running his eyes up and down her body. Hesitating. She then removed what little clothing she had on.
He got ontop of her, and just looked down at her again. It felt as if he was laying ontop of nothing, and it felt as if he would break her if he weren’t careful. He looked up, pushing into her, and felt like maybe he wanted to break her. At least, break that part of her that was trying to self-destruct, pulling her so quickly away from God and himself. He wanted his wife back, so he did.
As he pushed harder, he stared up at the tiled wall and thought about breaking her. About how, with every thrust of his hips, that part of her broke some more. She put her hands on his face and tried to kiss him, tried to pull him down, but he’d just look back up, and push harder. He ignored her gasps, her crying, and he started crying too, frustrated. He would’ve pushed harder if he had more time, but it was over quickly, and he pushed himself off of her and lay beside her.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and listened to her crying. He felt bad, but he didn’t know how else to let her know how worried he was. He didn’t know what to say, or who to tell that something was going on. He didn’t know how to comfort her. He got up, put his pants on, and went outside into the kitchen to see what he could wrangle up for dinner. She just lay where she was.
Effie enjoyed the afternoon with Tony – they sat around and talked, caught up. She didn’t know why they had fallen apart- he had fallen apart from everyone after the accident. It was a struggle for him to be who he was without his physique, without the ability to do everything he once did. But after their second movie that they kinda, sorta watched, he turned off the screen and looked toward her. ‘Effie, is the road thing going to happen again?” She didn’t know what to say.
“Tony, I wasn’t trying to kill myself I promise.” He looked at her for a minute, challenging her to tell him something else. “It wasn’t!” Tony looked at her that way again.
“You weren’t trying to get hit? Like I did?” She looked down. “I called Mom when Sid called me last night. She wants you sectioned. She thinks it’s coming back.” She stared at him incredously for a minute, shaking her head. “Effie?”
“That’s not even…what? NO!”
“If the flashbacks are making you do that, Effie, yes, we have to. And…” he reached for her hand, but she stood up, and he just reached for her wrist and pulled up her sleeve, revealing the marks. She glared at him.
“Who told you?”
“No one. I saw them when you were sleeping last night.”
She jerked her hand away and walked toward his front door which, last night, he had already locked.
“Please, Eff? I’ll come visit you every day if that’ll make you go.”
“I don’t want to go back there!”
“Effie…”
“I’m not GOING! That’s final! Where’s Fred? He was supposed to pick me up by now.”
Tony didn’t really know what to say. Sid had texted him, saying that Fred was headed out of town for a few weeks. He knew how overwhelming it probably was. “He’s…”
Effie shook her head. “No. He’s not leaving me. You’re wrong.”
Tony shrugged.
“Effie, we have to deal with this.”
They stared at each other for a good ten minutes, and she conceded. “Fine, can I at least shower first?”
He nodded, gestured toward the bathroom in the hallway.
Minutes later, they were in the car together, headed toward the hospital. Effie’s breathing was shallow, and she lit a cigarette despite the rain outside, opened the window and took a long drag.
He took one hand off the wheel and gently took hers. They parked in front of the hospital and just waited. It was a different one, at least. Not like the last one. Effie was at least comforted by that. She was comforted that Tony took her and not a crisis team. But she still wanted to stay in his car forever. At least he was letting her stay for a while.
Sid didn’t check the bathroom until before bed, when he went to brush his teeth, and noticed Cassie, curled up there, still naked. “Oh, Cass.” He felt the stab of guilt too close. “Cassie…” He leaned over her gently sleeping form, and, too effortlessly, picked her up, kissing her forehead. He tip-toed toward the bedroom, and she woke up only enough to rest her head on his shoulder and her hand on his neck. He tucked her into bed gently, rested his forehead against hers, and prayed for some sign of what to do.
“I love you so much, Cassie,” he murmured and kissed her lips, eyelids and forehead. Then he grabbed his cellphone and dialed Tony’s number. “Hey, Tony…”his voice was shaky. And, for the first time since college, asked him for help.
Tony was stressed, and half wanted to tell Sid to bugger off, deal with it himself, that he kind of had his own family crisis to deal with. But he didn’t.
“What’s going on, Sid?” He said, and both of them felt like nothing had ever happened to tear them apart in that moment. That everything was fixed.
“It’s Cassie,” Sid managed to get out through tears. “I don’t know what to do, Tony. I can’t get her to eat and it’s breaking our marriage and I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you pray?” Sid didn’t answer for a minute, because he was sobbing. “Yes. Yes. Yes.”
Tony didn’t know what to do, either, but for once in their relationship, he had the opportunity to tip the scales, to repay him. Sid had never done anything but rescue Tony, now he needed to repay that.
“Stay there. I’ll be over in a minute.”